I have a confession to make – more to myself than to anyone reading this – but a confession none-the-less. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am terrified to become a writer. This is a realization that has revealed itself to me very recently…today, in fact. I find that others have pushed me, encouraged me, smiled and nodded as I rambled on, and otherwise allowed me to come to this realization on my own. Perhaps that is exactly why I feel so responsible to fix this particular issue.
Thinking that I had a breakthrough (with the gentle nudging of a fellow writer who knows who she is) today, upon arriving home, I strode into the bedroom and promptly woke my sick wife. “Honey,” I said. “I know what my problem is. I am scarred to write … the thought terrifies me.”
Heather, the amazing woman that she is – even when not feeling well – gave me a familiar gentle smile and head nod, somehow telling me that she already knew and was glad that it dawned on me as well. We talked for a moment. She arrived at the exact same conclusion mere hours earlier.
This is confirmation. I can write it in stone. Give me a slate tablet and a chisel – no need for a hammer though, I will just repeatedly pound my head into the chisel to do the work. This fear is as hard to get rid of as blood on a white shirt or grease stains on a graphic tee.
I really do not know what I hope to accomplish here. Well, I do know, but I fear that I won’t actually accomplish it. In the idyllic landscape that is my mind – the place where the notion of writing and becoming an actual author sounds glamorous and perfect – I hope to use this blog as my centering, my focus, where I can write to clear my head and know what I am writing before I write it.
This is as good of a time as any to discover myself as a writer and I intend to do just that. I will not fear writing again, regardless of how daunting it seems or how much I self-depricate by comparing my words to another author’s.
My writing buddy tweeted a quote for me tonight because she is awesome like that.
Do what you fear and fear disappears.
~David Joseph Schwartz